Rascalams - mind it!

I am back from Beautiful Bhutan - refreshed, energised and ready to climb Mount Everest! Yesssss.... I feasted my eyes on the world's most majestic peak yet one more time this morning on our return flight from Paro to Kathmandu , on to Delhi and finally back to Mumbai.This time I didn't waste even a micro-second taking pictures - I just gobbled up the vistas greedily... there was Kanchenjunga. And look - wasn't that Nandadevi? The Himalayas on the Indian side are far more impressive than the range as seen from Nepal or Bhutan, mainly because what's offered is a panoramic view that stretches for over a hundred kilometres. I saw glaciers and pastures, rivulets and ravines... I forgot we had woken up at 4.30 a.m. to catch the flight. It was well worth the torture of being seriously sleep deprived, as most of us were , after 4 intense days of readings and discussions. The final day - a retreat in Paro - turned out to be the icing on the cake. Actor Madhavan was clearly the star of this Lit Fest, literally and figuratively. More at a later date - once I upload the pictures. Maddy's included! ********
I had totally forgotten all about this column, when a phone call from Soli Sorabjee ( how I love and admire this outstanding gentleman) startled me in distant Thimpu. He called to chuckle over the contents and said he hadn't enjoyed such a hearty laugh in a long, long time! His solution to this vexing issue? "Why not design a chastity belt for men, and let the wife keep the key?" Ummmmm... because Sir, it's not all that difficult for serial offenders like DSK to make DUPLICATE keys!
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This appeared in Asian Age...


Bobbitt all these rascalams, I say! Too many of them floating around the world doing bad- bad things to good- good women. Look at that fellow Dominique Kahn-Strauss ( does he waltz, or what?). Can’t keep his business inside his pants! Aiyoooo! So much shame he is bringing to his family… all his wives and childrens. Man has no face to show in public1 And he is coming from such a top class background, that to. Just think – how many people become IMF chiefs? You are knowing anyone? I am not knowing. What a powerful job controlling which country to give how much money to and all that. Presidents and Prime Ministers of countries come with begging bowl to his door. And he simply doesn’t care! I ask you, Sir, when you are attacking that poor servant girl…. sorry, chamber maid, are you not behaving same-to-same as our Shiney Ahuja?Proper thinking and good brain went where at that time?? Same question we are asking Shiney - see what happened to him? Jail and all. Still his wife is standing by him. Your wife also, no? But yours is third or fourth wife. Poor Shiney only has one – he may not get another after this.You are also in jail, my friend! But, believe me foreign jails are far, far better than Indian jails. You must be getting good food… meat, chicken, fish and all that. Bed to sleep on. also. Many, many Indians won’t mind being in American jails for that reason only. Better to eat in a prison than starve outside and on top of that have to listen to big-big lectures about freedom and how great India is because of that freedom. All useless talk, I say. First, keep stomach filled, then enjoy fruits of freedom. Okay… some things we are fully knowing and understanding about your type of problem. It is also happening in this part of the world, baba… how men can be different- different from place to place? Anatomy same, brain same, thinking same. See a woman – and jump on her. If she is working for you, then, no problem Like you can use laptop anytime, she also can be used anytime. Whyfor pretend to be a sadhu, all holy and pure, when the truth is fully known to all? But even with this much understanding, it is not proper for you to have done what you did in that costly hotel room. Coming out nanga in front of stranger-lady? Then forcing her to do all that …. Chhee chhee stuff! Not thinking for one minute of your wife and children before doing badmaashi! We call such men total idiots in India. Why? Because smart men know when to do all this physical stuff and when not to. Arrey baba – you could not wait or what?
Now you are saying it is Sarkozy’s fault. Where is Sarkozy in all this scandal nonsense? He is busy making his beautiful wife pregnant. Timing for conceiving is also first class. Election baby is good for vote catching. Sarkozy is a smart chap, that way.France people like to know that their Presidents are manly fellows capable of keeping woman happy in the bedroom. Several women, several bedrooms. All French Presidents are like that only! One mistress here… another one there… two-three wives in between. Nothing new. You should have waited to become President first… then you could have raped or whatever you call it, women right and left, without a care in the world. Your wife – what is her good name? Haan… Annie, no? She has said politicians must know how to seduce. Lucky man, you are ! How many wives are so understanding? So far , at least, Annie is like Shiney’s wife , not Arnie’s wife. Look at that uppity Maria Shriver and how she is acting! That too after twenty -five years of marriage. Women are also similar types about such matters. I think so they feel jealous. After that they feel they must get badla. No need for badla-wadla…no point. Arnie and you can have a frank talk about this sex matter. Also, invite Tiger Woods for a discussion. See … all three of you are big shots – famous , rich, influential. Still you are getting into trouble in America. That way, Italian people are not so strict. See how they are giving chances to their President! Berlusconi is a rascalam of all rascalams. He is boasting openly about those small-small girls he pays so much money for bunga bunga business. Nobody bothering too much for that – in Rome, do the Romans, they are saying. He is not in jail. But you are.
Tch , tch, tch! Everything khallas for you, now. Naukri gone, friends gone, future gone. American judge saying maybe fifteen to twenty years in jail if guilty. That means, life also gone. You are saying world hates you because you are a Jew. American public saying you are racist. Poor maid is saying nothing so far. But because she is a Black woman, you are in even more trouble. God knows how many more women will now start telling the whole world that you raped them here and there – in the office, in the car park, in an elevator, maybe even in an airplane bathroom. How you will keep your izzat and show face to family? In India, we believe in Karma. Maybe you did many sins in last life? Many more in this life also. Now your only hope is for your next life. If those guards in Riker’s Island Correction Centre can be manaoed, khilaoed and pilaoed ( like we do here), you may survive – more time spent in hospital, less time in11x13 cell. At least do one thing, boss – keep your business out of sight. Or else , bheja gaya, aur ‘woh’ bhi ! Bobbitt ka naam suna hai aapne? Women are saying loudly-loudly that is what men like you deserve - mind it!

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Thimpu Lit Fest rocks!

It all starts with a spectacular view of the Emperor of the Himalayas - Mt. Everest in all its glory, as dawn breaks over what is by far the most imposing range of mountains in the world. The immensely skilled pilots of Druk Air ( Bhutan's national airline) point out the range ( Kanchenjunga, too) as the plane flies enviously close to it.What an introduction to a destination! As we landed in Paro ( Bhutan's international airport), after a two and a half hour flight from Delhi, it does occur to me that one tiny pilot error, and we might have lost a significant number of contemporary Indian writers ( there were so many on the flight!).
I cannot begin to tell you how enchanting this mountain kingdom is - starting with the stunningly beautiful Queen Mother, Ashi Dorji Wangmo Wangchuk, and the young, devastatingly handsome King, Jigme Dorji. We are lucky to be here during this most auspicious season, and especially on the day when King Jigme announced his engagement to a beauteous local princess. I met them at a dinner hosted by our erudite, charming and efficient Ambassador\ author Pawan Varma( the force behind the Lit Fest, evocatively titled 'Mountain Echoes')at his 70- acre, thickly wooded official residence ( it has its own golf course). Perhaps it was an impromptu visit by His Majesty, but as soon as guests were told he'd be arriving shortly with his bride-to-be, the atmosphere changed dramatically! I was told he doesn't like being photographed, but when I asked, he posed most sportingly with his lovely fiancee. I shall share pics on my return... I took a few of the Queen Mum ( who has written two splendid books on Bhutan), and who was with her young daughter ( a Harvard graduate ) - who has also written a book on Bhutan ( its constitution), explaining it to kids! What an extraordinarily good looking royal family.... and for all that, so down to earth, gracious and kind. No wonder their people adore them. And are so proud to be Bhutanese.

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More Cannes!

Clearly, someone's having the best time at Cannes. The de Grisogono model is spectacular all the way. Better looking than the stars - Jolie , included!
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Am in a tearing rush today.... leaving for the Mouuntain Echoes Lit Fest in Bhutan tomorrow.... three columns to write.... forget packing! Hear it's cold and raining in Thimpu. But with good friends, great books and excellent hosts around.... perhaps I won't shiver too much! Looking forward to the reception hosted by the Queen Mother. And a demo dinner hosted by the well known chef, Pushpesh Pant , at the Taj Tashi.
More coming up.... on the sex rat called DSK of the IMF.... of course, he did it!! What's he talking about?? Let him rot in hell.... while arch rival Sarkozy gets extra brownie points for his under production ( twins for Carla!)

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Cannes! Cannes!

Taaza khabar from Cannes: That is you-know-who (by now!) with Kayne West. And, later in the night, with a desi friend . You-know-who is in the pink saree. Going by the pics, I'm guessing she's having a good time.... what do you think?
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This appeared in Bombay Times today...

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Desi Designers Vs. Cannes

Desi designers were wringing their hands last week and asking the obvious question: Why do our stars pick outlandish outfits for their international Red Carpet photo- ops, when there are so many talented Indian designers to choose from? One of them cribbed, “It just goes to show their lack of confidence in our abilities. It also shows a lack of confidence in themselves.” They have a point. Looking at some of the more comical Cannes images so far, saw several people squirming in embarrassment. Poor Ash. No matter what she wears, she gets it in the neck from the local fashion press. The thing is, what Ash wears makes a statement. It counts. Nobody gives a damn what other, lesser starlets strut around flashing, because they don’t count!This year may have been one notch better for Ash than some of the earlier fashion disasters, but the Elie Saab gown was certainly not flattering, given Ash’s new, generously filled out frame. One designer referred to it witheringly as an Arab-style wedding dress minus the veil. Most agreed that the rather ungainly , thick frill at her waist accentuated her hipline , while the thick, ornate fabric of the one shouldered gown further piled on the naughty kilos. The make-up was also a bit too harsh and exaggerated on that occasion. Ash’s next appearance in a sleeker, two- toned gown was far more elegant, even if the upswept hairdo looked dated. There’s no point in comparing her look to Angelina Jolie’s supremely casual, yet supremely stylish dress at lunch. She’s Angelina Jolie! That’s enough.
Our gorgeous ladies must assert themselves at such high profile affairs at which they are the cynosure of hawk-eyed journos from across the world. The standard excuse that’s trotted out is that the imperious stylists of some of the mightiest fashion houses dictate what the stars must wear ( remember, it’s all about promotion, promotion, promotion). But that rule applies to minor stars, not the major league ones, who are given a vast choice of selecting the best of the best from a huge, multi-brand wardrobe. Too bad they pick duds, time and time again. If only they’d leave it to their buddy designers back home, they’d be far better off. Our local talent is not just formidable, but they know what suits our girls. Nude may well be the colour of the season, but it does absolutely nothing for our skin tones. We end up looking washed out and drab, when we can look so much better in our rani pinks and peacock blues. Perhaps in the few days left for the Festival to close, our stars will pull out the stops and get those flashbulbs going. Given the stiff competition in the glamour stakes this year, that isn’t going to be a cakewalk for any of them. Pity a prestigious film festival has been reduced to a catwalk by Bollywood. But till such time as we start making quality cinema, we’ll have to console ourselves each time we watch Aishwarya the model, preen and pose for shutterbugs on the Croisette.
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While on designers and all things fashionable, some of the big names have been really put off by the starry tantrums and demands of our top actresses whose secretaries and personal stylists pester these designers to send across pricey couture for their clients to flaunt at high profile events. Often , these wealthy actresses ‘forget’ to return borrowed garments, or flatly refuse to give them back saying, “But look at the publicity I generated for your label by wearing your outfit to so-and-so’s party.” As of now, the entire designer community is up in arms against a beauty contest winner who has walked off with her entire pageant wardrobe! Tch. Tch. Not done, honey. Be a good girl and send those frocks back immediately… or else!
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South Mumbai wears a deliciously deserted look these days – everybody’s left town! One can zip down those crowded roads in fifteen minutes flat and actually find a table in popular restaurants during peak hours. While we desis are fleeing the unbearable mugginess and mayhem for cooler climes, Liz Hurley is the only one who is voluntarily flying in to be with her man. Love ka side effects and all that.Obviously somebody forgot to Warne our Liz about the LSD syndrome.
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For some weird, entirely illogical reason, I believe Shiney Ahuja. Do you?

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The Prince and the Show Girl...!

Vizag moments - so vivid! That's Prince Manvendra Singh Gohil, one of India's most prominent Gay Rights' activist, and the publisher-editor of FUN. With him ( and moi!), the cast of 'Waiting for Godot', an Applause production, headed by Soumya, a Telegu movies' actress with a promising future. Nice mood!
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This appeared in the Sunday Times today.....encouraging reactions, especially from an old friend, B.R.Sharan.
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‘Poribartan’ now! Demand the women of India…


Namaskaram Amma. Nomoshkaar Didi.Congratulations ladies! Yenjoy! Bhalo Khobar! You’ve done it and deserve the applause.To borrow Mayawati’s words, the time for ‘dramabaazi’ is over. You have won. The people of your respective States have given the verdict. Jai ho, and all that. Your time begins now. Showing the door to rivals is the easy part. Both of you can confidently take the oath, look and feel smug… and if you so wish, dance in the streets … or on the posters of your vanquished opponents. No doubt your myriad followers will join you with abundant joy. Gloat away! But this is about your future agendas – especially those involving your own gender.What specific policies will you be working on that will benefit the women of your state… and maybe even, the women across India?Come on, you two. You can do it! Mamata has spoken eloquently about the appalling conditions faced by rural women in West Bengal. She has said she wants to create infrastructure for underprivileged pregnant women,who are forced to walk up to fifteen kilometers to deliver babies. Well…. action it, Didi. Get those clinics to happen taada-taadi. It cannot be a significantly better scenario in Tamil Nadu. We are also aware of the ‘Corporate Bladder’ syndrome ( no loos for working women in urban Indian), but for how many more years will our village women have to wait for the protective cover of darkness before they can ‘go’? These may look like chhota-mota issues to powerful politicians in search of bigger issues to tom- tom – like attracting instant foreign investment. But please don’t take women’s bladders and wombs for granted! We need clean facilities. Period. Whether it’s maternity wards in which to deliver babies, or conveniently located latrines that are safe for use, day and night. This is not a tall order, but it is an urgent one. If this initiative can be announced and undertaken on a priority basis by both of you, you will win the whole hearted support of countless deprived women who have put up with painful urinary tract infections, botched up births by the roadside and other related horror stories for decades…. no, centuries.
Women of India have waited long enough.Too long. So far , their voices, their expectations, their anxieties were of zero consequence to successive governments. Much was expected from Pratibha Patil as President. Much more was hoped for from Sonia Gandhi. No miracles. No waving of magic wands. Just simple plans and projects that would have made it easier for women to hang in there and be counted . Nothing of any consequence was announced by either one of them unfortunately, and women meekly went back to the starting post to patiently begin their vigil all over again. Perhaps it’s not such a good thing that our women are as passive, as docile.We let off our netas a bit too easily. We make far too many concessions. Mamata’s win was largely based on “Poribartan’’ ( change). But there was little mention in her manifesto of gender specific policies that would be beneficial to women. As the railways minister, her track record was disappointing at a time when women travelers cried out for safety on trains. Mamata’s perceived indifference to the woes of women commuters was seen as being callous and short sighted . Ditto for Jayalalitha, whose past records aren’t exactly impressive with regards to women’s issues. If anything, amma remained aloof and indifferent when confronted. This time, she didn’t bother wooing women… or men, for that matter. In fact, she didn’t woo anybody! She didn’t have to.Her old foes ( the DMK gang led by the old war horse, Karunanidhi)obliged amma by committing hara-kiri while she romped home, without lifting a finger. Our female politicians are street smart and canny. They’ve been told by their minders that raising womens’ issues during elections is not politically wise. It alienates men! And political pundits have consistently insisted it’s men who are the real game changers in any election. The big numbers are driven by men. Why bother courting women? Today, we are crowing about four important women leading four important States of India. Forget, the most important woman in the country ( you-know-who) . It’s time to ask a few uncomfortable questions to these Chaar Deviyaan. Starting with Sheila Dixit and Mayawati, who have been around long enough to have got things moving.But their mahila gaadis stalled a long time ago and refused to change gears, as these two steam-rollered their way past other, more critical-to-their-survival obstacles , conveniently forgetting all about their less privileged sisters.
It’s a terrible fact of life, but the bitter truth is that women in politics have not leveraged their position to do anything substantial for other women. Perhaps, those vintage Ekta Kapoor serials had a point. Which is why they worked. But even Ekta has moved on and away from those dreary subjects to sexier ones. Why can’t our female politicians do the same?This is their chance to win the loyalty of what is, in reality, their core constituency – women. Woo us with policies that transform lives and you’ll never have to worry about your warm kursi going to someone else. Neglect us now… and watch! Just you watch! We’ll show you! Remember,there is no ‘next time’ in politics. Mind it!

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Cannes do!!

This is going to be a short post. Nothing to do with Amma or Didi ( Column on those two appears in Sunday Times tomorrow). This is a little bit of a 'motherly bragging' type column! Indulge me!
My daughter Arundhati is in Cannes, covering the world's most glamourous film festival for a glossy. This is her Antonio Banderas moment! Seeing him emerge from a limo just a few feet from where she happened to be on the Croisette, made her knees go weak and her hands tremble. To wave.... perhaps, greet... or to shoot.... became a big dilemma. Since her hands were cold and shaking, it took a few extra seconds for her to fish out her camera ( a Cannes gift from me ) and click.... before his burly body guards chased her away as a pesky pap. Well.... nice try, Aru! Next time,get the face, okay???

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We need more beacons.....

My brain is slowly but surely turning to mush in this bloody heat. Normally, I don't leave home if I can help it - especially when I'm mid-book ( like now!). But this being our beloved Bharat, one has to deal with peculiar procedures. Today, it was a Post Office account that needed to be closed. The p.o. happened to be in Dadar and I was summoned there to verify a six-year-old signature. Fair enough. This time I wasn't taking chances with a grumpy Bholanath ( he and I are officially 'katti' ). I borrowed my husband's super smart, super efficient chauffeur, the amazing Subramaniam ( he has been with us for over 30 years). We managed to reach the p.o. on time and I stood in line behind the dustiest counter ever. When I looked around the dismal place, I was so disheartened to see the pathetic state it was in - dingy, filthy,broken down. There were several naked electric wires hanging from the ceiling. Chairs without seats, piles of papers, miserable looking people plodding away at tiny,over laden desks. This was seriously depressing. I spoke my best Marathi to the clerks. But everybody I spoke to replied in Hindi. Perhaps they didn't think me 'Maharashtrian ' enough? I had to fill in several forms, sign on various documents, produce identity cards.... oh heavens... all this for such a small job! It didn't matter to me - I'd factored it in. But I did feel bad for those people slaving away in such a shabby, smelly setting. It doesn't cost much to buy a few dusters and keep the place relatively clean. Why don't these p.o. employees take the initiative and do it? How can they be so indifferent to their work environment?
After I got home and drank a gallon of lassi, I felt much better. But my writing rhythm had gone for a toss. I decided to give myself the afternoon off . I took a nap.... tidied my room. Listened to the insistent calls of the koel in the Brazilian Copper tree outside.... suddenly, the world seemed better. The sun-set was glorious - all golden and show-offy ! And I suddenly thought of the neat, well-proportioned lighthouse that had caught my fancy, perched precariously on the edge of the red sands of a distant Australian beach... it is lovely, isn't it?

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