Why I love bitches....

 You are going to see a lot of Gong Li in this space. She is ravishing, isn't she?And a complete heart breaker. We've had visitors all day to take a look at our newest family member. I am besotted!

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This is my new column in Mumbai Mirror. Meenal Baghel, the spirited editor, has added a clever tag line : "How to be a chick, and other life lessons."'  I have received an overwhelming response to the column - good and bad. Something tells me THIS is the most fun column I'll be writing...Blogdosts - feedback needed!

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                         Why I love bitches…

Soon… really,really soon….there will be a new bitch in my life. I can’t wait. I am very partial towards bitches. This one happens to be  smashing looking to boot. And quite a coquette. Perfect. As you may well have guessed, she is a four legged female dog. A stunner, who has broken several hearts already. She certainly broke mine the moment I laid eyes on her in Pune. My sister Mandakini and I jointly christened her Gong Li.This was a sneaky trick designed to melt my husband’s heart and take care of any resistance from his side. He is an ardent fan of  Gong Li - the beauteous Chinese star of movies like ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’ and ‘Farewell ,my Concubine.’

Her predecessor Kiara, was another ravishing female canine, all sleek lines and smooth moves. After her, I was determined to stay away from heartbreak. But one look at Gong Li, and I was smitten. I love bitches. It works in exactly the same way with humans who share traits that we nastily and rather inaccurately refer to as ‘bitchy’.  It’s a seriously awful word. Most times it is used recklessly to describe any woman who has dollops of attitude and isn’t afraid to flaunt it. If she also happens to be a man magnet,it makes it that much easier to brand her. Even if she hasn’t done anything specific to tantalise admirers. I remember a distant time in Bombay ( it was still Bombay then), when ferocious socialite wars had broken out. The scale and intensity of the brawls would have made Sean Penn playing Mickey Cohen in ‘Gangster Squads’ look like a docile, well trained spaniel. The word ‘Bitch!” was spat out several times in public. Sides had to be taken. Like George Bush Jr. the message was unambiguous and strong: either you were with one of the socialites, or against her. The question of remaining neutral did not arise.

Years later, history repeated itself. The cast of characters had changed. But not the negativity and viciousness. The scene had shifted from South Mumbai skirmishes featuring high priestesses of all that is stylish and extravagant, to upstartish Bollywood Divas settling scores and ostracizing predators. But that word ‘bitch’ stayed a constant. It’s another matter altogether that the younger generation throws ‘bitch’ around with total nonchalance. To call a hirsute , louche chap a ‘bitch’ is taken as a compliment. Most young girls prefer to be addressed as ‘dogs’.  A poster states, “Men are the new bitches.” Everybody is pretty cool about it. Even the bitches themselves, who shrug, laugh and happily admit there is nothing quite as fun as a good bitch- out with gal pals and a couple of gay buddies. A worthy gentleman I know quite well,proudly describes himself as ‘the biggest bitch in town.’No contest, there! I have also been present when serious corporate types ( men)  have savaged contemporaries with devilish glee and indulged in what can only be described as heavy duty bitching. Delicious !Maybe inside each one of us lurks a closet female dog. Some are reckless enough to let the beastie out occasionally. Modern day sociologists insist occasional bitching is good for blood pressure. It’s a valid stress buster that makes one feel lighter. What’s the point of stored up bile, a doctor asked me one day. Quite so. That was all the endorsement one needed. I instantly passed on the good news to my friends. And we felt vastly relieved. Bitching became something the doctor ordered - cathartic…. even therapeutic. And we felt terribly sorry for all those people who harboured homicidal thoughts about half the world , but not a single undiplomatic word ever emerged from their mouths. Bores! Today, bitching is seen as an art form. It is fairly acceptable democratic and kosher to indulge in it from time to time . To bitch or not to bitch is no longer the question. Not to be bitched about is a far worse social crime. Bitch and be damned being the new mantra, I guess it’s flattering to be identified as a ‘Bitch Goddess’  by the wannabe amateurs in our midst.